Laura Newell: Sorry, Meghan Markle but I just don’t love your pointless, out of touch Netflix offering

Grabbing an insulated mug of coffee off the kitchen counter while scooping Miss 7’s homework out of the dog’s mouth, picking up my work bag and with my phone tucked under my chin talking to a colleague, I coax child and pooch out the front door. It’s 8am and we’re five minutes after the time the “smart” Mitchell Freeway jams up to the point where we’re now undoubtedly going to be late for school and doggy daycare drop-off. In my haste I’ve forgotten we’ve guests coming to stay tonight and, amid our usual morning rush, I haven’t had a chance to make up the pull-out couch. Nor have I planned dinner. It is, therefore, perhaps ironic that later on the very same day I would — for work purposes — be forced to watch Meghan Markle’s new Netflix show, offering up “hints and tips” for hosting guests and parties. Much has been made about how out of touch and unauthentic the offering is. But no review could have prepared me for how genuinely hide-behind-the-sofa cringeworthy it is. The “highlight” of the two episodes I struggled through was watching the reluctant royal supping on champagne at 10am with Hollywood gal pal Mindy Kaling while cutting up eye-wateringly expensive berries for a rainbow inspired kids’ fruit platter so that The Office alum could host a bash “without paying for a woman to do it for her” next time. As soft light frames her perfectly coiffured and made up face, the Duchess explains with glee that when she’s “hostessing” she likes to really focus on the details, which mainly seems to consist of sprinkling flowers on absolutely everything and anything. This came after the first episode “treated” viewers to her preparing for the arrival of a make-up artist bestie by creating “teabags” of bath salts and boiling the crap out of some baby tomatoes for a pasta dish as bland as the colour palate of her wardrobe. It is claimed the series isn’t designed to portray Meghan as an expert on the topics on which she espouses knowledge, rather that she is learning with her guests and the viewers. “Clearly I’m not a rocket scientist,” she proclaims at one point while she “decorates” a three-layer “naked” cake. Well, she said it. Wondering if I was being totally unfair — and aware that it’s been claimed that the show has been harshly judged not because of its content but because of generalised bullying of its star — I consulted a staunchly royalist mate who had gleefully thrown herself at With Love, Meghan, assuming she’d adore it. The verdict? “It was awkward and she looks so dumb.” Oh. Not just me, then. But I can’t claim I didn’t learn anything from my viewing. I mean, I don’t know about the rest of you, but the next time I clean up dog sick I have just stepped in off the floor of the spare room — leaving a fabulous smell conveniently just hours ahead of the arrival of friends due to sleep in there — I will absolutely make sure to note that I need to have $100 a bottle Taittinger on ice to mix with home-pureed fruit as a refreshing welcome drink later on. And, obviously, as I try to answer a work email at the same time as I empty the dishwasher at 5am, I will also make a note to chat to the beekeeper and gardener to make sure we’ll have just the right home-produced basics we’ll need for any unexpected guests. It’s just what all good hostesses do. But, in all seriousness, despite her incredibly annoying inability to pronounce “sieve” correctly and her obsession with wearing entirely impractical white from head to foot while cooking sloppy, clearly under-seasoned pasta, the one saving grace for this show is that Meghan comes across as genuinely loving her husband and kids. In fact, that feels like the only genuine element. “No one knows your business until you cut them open,” her guest on the first episode tartly says in an obviously pointed barb to anyone who might criticise Mrs Sussex. It was said so vehemently, it left me wondering for just a second if I should perhaps feel bad about trashing her new series. But, honestly, any criticism of this show isn’t about bullying Megs. It’s just about calling out really bad TV.