Compassionate tips to cope with loss

In an effort to help newly bereaved parents handle their first Christmas without their child, Compassionate Friends Mandurah has shared its top tips for coping.

As a bereaved mother and grandmother, branch public relations officer Margot McAllister knows all too well what it feels like to enter the festive season with limited reasons to be joyful.

"I remember my first Christmas, I was looking at happy people but I felt alone and as though my world as I knew it had ended," she said.

"I wanted to cancel Christmas because for me it was not a special or happy time."

Mrs McAllister said even though it was overwhelming, she urged bereaved parents to still take part in the festivities.

"You don't need to put a Christmas tree up if it's something you can't bring yourself to do, but you may want to and place an ornament on the tree for them," she said.

"Memories of past Christmases and family traditions might be too much, so it could be a good time to start new traditions.

"You could buy a gift for your child, but give it to someone else, perhaps a charity.

"Write a card and leave it on their grave - which is something I did.

"Place a candle on the table to represent the missing child and on Christmas day light it and use it as a means of sharing memories of them.

"Above all, be kind to yourself and avoid pressure - in most cases the lead-up is worse than the day itself."

Mrs McAllister advised parents to let party hosts know what was going on, because if they needed to leave the function they would understand why.

"Take part in Christmas, but give yourself a get-out clause to alleviate the pressure," she said. "If you have a few tears, then that's OK."

She admitted receiving cards wishing a "merry Christmas and happy New Year" was difficult.

"I thought 'how could it be happy without them?', but I learnt it wasn't true and they were still close in my heart," Mrs McAllister said.

For friends and colleagues of bereaved parents, she urged them to be patient and exercise compassion, because in some cases it could take a couple of years to recover from the painful grieving stage.