Gary Martin: How to deflect those nosy, judgmental questions

Nosy questions seem to pop up in conversations more frequently these days, catching us off guard when we least expect it.

Whether it is about personal life, career choices or lifestyle, these questions often carry an undertone that is hard to ignore.

This type of questioning, sometimes referred to as predatory or intrusive curiosity, is less about understanding or connecting with someone and more about exerting control, passing judgment or fulfilling an agenda.

It often disregards boundaries, leaving the person being questioned feeling exposed or pressured.

Nosy questions can touch all aspects of life.

Some are driven by societal expectations or a curious interest in how others navigate different life stages.

Questions like “why aren’t you married yet” or “when are you going to have kids” are rooted in traditional milestones that people assume everyone should follow, pressuring individuals to conform to a timeline that is not their own.

Questions like “why don’t your kids go to a private school” or “when are you going to have more kids” can feel like criticisms of parenting choices, often coming from a place of comparison where the questioner projects their values or measures others against societal standards.

“Why are you still working at that job” or “when are you going to get a real job” imply a specific idea of what a successful career looks like, making someone feel undervalued or pressured to meet external expectations rather than following their own path.

And questions about salary or promotions tread into financial territory many consider private, such as “how much did you pay for your house” or “how can you afford that car”.

These can be especially invasive, touching on the sensitive issue of money with an underlying assumption that worth is tied to financial status.

Nosy questions about health and wellness, like “why did you gain so much weight” or “why aren’t you exercising more”, often come across as veiled judgments rather than genuine concern to make individuals feel self-conscious or defensive about their bodies or lifestyle choices.

Nosy questions about beliefs and values such as “why don’t you go to church anymore” or “why do you vote for that political party” often touch on deeply held personal convictions, feeling like a challenge to one’s identity and moral compass.

The trend of people feeling increasingly comfortable prying into others’ affairs stems from several factors including the rise of social media, which blurs the line between public and private life, and cultural shifts that encourage us to be authentic.

When nosy questions unexpectedly arise in the course of a conversation, several strategies can help maintain boundaries while keeping the conversation respectful.

Politely deflecting the question, setting clear limits by expressing discomfort or using light humour can effectively steer the discussion away from sensitive topics.

Offering a vague response or responding with a question can shift the focus back on the questioner, prompting a reconsideration of their inquiry.

Changing the subject or suggesting the topic be revisited later can allow for managing the situation without disclosing more than is comfortable.

So when nosy questions start floating around, do not hesitate to put a lid on them — after all, not every curiosity deserves to be indulged.

Professor Gary Martin is CEO of AIM WA and a specialist in workplace and social trends